In light of these struggles and the fact that money is not the goal – but to honour God and hopefully (if possible) find something you enjoy doing, we have wrestled with whether to encourage our children in terms of college and career, or simply to wait and let them live awhile, gain life experience, save some money, and so forth. For the most part I think we've opted for the latter.
One son worked for several years and then figured out what he
wanted to do. Driving freight didn't require a college degree but did require
some training and certification – and until he broke his back this last summer,
everything was going fine. But he's working his way back into it.
Another son has worked and saved money and has now decided to
attend college. Christian colleges are too expensive for us – entirely out of
range – and so he's commuting a few days a week to a state college and still
working part-time. The fact that he's slightly older and already gotten his
feet wet in the world has meant that he's ready to engage with that world and
its values. He's already been out in it and so far college hasn't 'rocked his
boat' as they say. And I think he'd be having just as many 'problems' at a
Christian college given the distorted curricula they employ. There's no good
solution here.
If one of our sons reaches a point that his job requires a
move – then so be it. But in the meantime there's no reason for them not to
live at home. The situation is not intolerable, they can still save money for
future plans and endeavours, and besides – why would they want to be all alone?
Well do I remember living on my own at a young age – it seemed like I went home
all the time for meals and simply to talk. My kids never went through the
teenage rebel phase and yet young adulthood, work, and all the dynamics and
struggles of that period tend to draw kids back to their parents, looking for
advice, answers, and for help navigating the endless and seemingly impossible
puzzles and tangles of life and the various bureaucracies and social dynamics within
our society.
I'm not going to be legalist on this point, like the Puritans
often were. In New England they wouldn't allow single young adults to live
alone. They knew that it wasn't good for the soul and for self-discipline.
There are dangers in spending lots of time alone – especially if it's 'luxury'
time. Aside from a kind of wanton self-orientation and selfishness being
fostered and developed, there are sin-dangers in terms of discipline and
accountability. Consequently the local elders mandated that these young adults
live with families – if their own weren't available.
I appreciate the wisdom of such a move and the spirit behind
it but at the same time this is usurping an authority that the Scriptures do
not give – and it cannot be a universal rule. Their practice was extreme and
ultimately misguided but not without some wisdom in terms of what it was trying
to address.
Wise or not, it cannot be binding on the conscience.
Children (and particularly sons) may indeed leave home when
they want to but the normal pattern would be for them to depart when they're
ready to get married and begin – not a new single autonomous life but a new
household, a new family of their own.
Now, that won't be for everyone and so then the determination
can be made. There's no hard or fast rule here but I chafe at some of the
notions and assumptions we encounter – and once again, it's different with
daughters.
Yes, there are kids out there who won't grow up. There's
plenty of that and it's a problem, but young adult children who are working and
living at home don't fall under that condemnation – regardless of what the
world in all its broken and foolish thinking tries to argue. And all the status
markers and financial angles need to be called out for what they are – this
present culture's manifestation of the Bestial Mark, a phenomenon that has
appeared under multiple guises and in multiple contexts throughout the history
of the Church. It's the threat – play the game by our rules or pay a price. The
Church has almost overwhelming bowed to the Beast at this point. And if things
take a bad turn in this society, what will become of all those who have so
entangled themselves? Those ties are not easily broken and they're not merely
legal, financial, or contractual – many are emotional. Remember Lot's wife.
What's the point in my son getting an apartment in a nearby
town? He can if he wants to, but what for? He'll be alone. As already hinted
at, I remember being out on my own at 19 and yet what did I do? I often went to
my mother's house looking for a home cooked meal and I suddenly had a new
appreciation for parental wisdom as I was out in the world, working, and
struggling. I was not a Christian and I had my reasons for leaving – some
legitimate, some less so.
My kids are free to go but they're also free to stay with
certain understandings. They are still under my roof and my authority. I will
not govern their life and my rules are reasonable – almost all of them rooted
in simple respect and courtesy. And let's just say if you raised your kids
right, you don't have to be a tyrant or an authoritarian. The tyrant phase if
one wishes to call it that, should end when they are still children.
Regardless or despite what I've written here I can imagine my
sons moving out within a few years and that's fine. My daughters – I'm just not
sure. We wrestled with how to introduce them to the world – without throwing
them to the wolves. One daughter worked at an ice cream stand one summer and briefly
at a restaurant. With our blessing she turned down an offer by the same owner
to work a cash register in a small town convenience store – a very different
and sometimes semi-rough scene that I know well. It's one of the local hubs of
activity. The restaurant could have been problematic but wasn't and was
short-lived anyway as it went out of business. But I didn't relish the thought
of my daughter spending hours selling cigarettes and lottery tickets to a bunch
of Sons of Belial coming in to ogle her, say crude things to her, and endlessly
pepper her with invasive and inappropriate questions – which is exactly what
would have happened.
She cleans houses, works at the library, sells home-made
items and the like. Another daughter has worked at a local grocery store.
What's the difference? It's all context. The lack of tobacco and lottery sales
makes a difference, though the place does now sell beer. So far it hasn't been
an issue. There have been some issues with men and inappropriate comments –
some more crude and rude than anything risqué. I've had my moments of regret and
even anger, but it's been a good experience for her. Once again, having not
gone to public school, we needed to find a way to introduce them to the world.
Until they all went out and took these jobs and had these experiences, they did
not really understand. None of them were tempted by it. In fact they were all
pretty appalled when they saw the magnitude of depravity that is out there in
just good old normal 'Christian' America. And in truth, they still don't even
begin to understand it.
One daughter may go to college at some point – or not. She
knows and understands some of the choices involved. If she doesn't want to
marry that's one thing but that's also probably not a decision she can make at
this time. And going to college doesn't mean that she's consigned herself to
lifelong celibacy but she also has to understand the progression and the
various traps – debt, bills, the necessity of work to pay those bills and so
forth.
And for that matter as I've taught my children – the gift of
singleness (as some put it) is not about freedom to pursue your career, maximize
your income, and lead a decadent self-oriented well-to-do life. The Scriptural
notion is that the extra time is liberating in terms of service to the Lord.
This has become confused in recent years by the errors of Dominionism and a
reinvigorated doctrine of Vocation which equates and sanctifies mundane work
and worldly success with Kingdom advancement. That's not what I'm referring to
at all. The free time available to a single person is about life in the Church
and ministering to God's people. Ministry is service, a gift. Businesses that
pretend to be Christian (an oxymoron to be sure) are not ministries. They are
seeking a profit, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that and yet don't
confuse that with ministry. They are not the same. If you're trying to make
money to support your family, do so, and conduct yourself in a Christian
manner. Your work should be legitimate but it's not Kingdom work. It's secular,
part of the order that will be burned at the eschaton. You pursue it in a
Christian manner and thus are salt and light to those around you.
But other callings are higher. Church service is
eternally-based work and though mundane in one sense, motherhood and the
managing of a Christian home is certainly a high calling and of greater value
than say, laying bricks. There's nothing wrong with laying bricks and a father
might do that to support his family but his task for eight hours a day (or
whatever it happens to be) while valid, is of far less importance and eternal value
than the father-husband time he spends at home with his wife and the time he
invests with his children, instructing them, and shaping their character. The
same is true of Church-life. This New Testament-based formula won't make for
mighty 'Christian' corporations and 'Christian' nations but it will make for a
solid Church.
As I have argued elsewhere, the verses that speak of doing
all to the glory of God do not contradict what I'm saying. A closer read
reveals they are speaking in terms of ethics, of how you love and interact with
others and seek their welfare. It may involve not doing things as opposed to
the common attitude which seems to assume that you can do whatever you want –
as long as you do it to the glory of God. The contexts of Colossians 3 and 1
Corinthians 10 indicate otherwise – and in fact are more an enjoinder to not do
certain things. As is often the case, the Evangelical world has it completely
backwards but it is repeated so often, no one even stops to read the passages
in a careful manner.
And so if one or some of my kids choose to be single, that's
fine. Otherwise whatever work they pursue at this point (especially with
reference to my daughters) is about gaining life experience – dealing with
people, dealing with lost people, understanding more about how things work and on
another level the daily struggles people face. Too many Christian kids live in
a cocoon and there's a risk of them either turning into Pharisees (and ignorant
ones at that) or being overwhelmed and swept away. I've seen both. I've seen
Christian kids who grew up in the bubble and had everything handed to them by
well to do parents, or were given a huge boost or head start in life and then
when 'successful' they look down on others never understanding the advantages
they had and the security – both financial and in terms of a stable home.
On the other hand, I've seen kids that grew up in these environments
who once out in the world fall flat on their faces, can't deal with the raw ugliness
of life in Babylon and either grow bitter and radicalised or fall away. There
are numerous examples of this at present and the falls can be pretty
spectacular – and heartbreaking I'm sure.
Our kids will and must grow up and ultimately that will
involve leaving home. Let us hope it is a cause for godly joy and celebration,
not simply some rite of passage, let alone an escape.